Question
My company introduced a training program so managers and senior staff can learn how to mentor employees, new hires and so on. They brought in a consultant to teach it. It’s so formal and structured. That’s just not me. I’d feel very awkward. But I’d like to start helping some of the people under me. Have you got some tips on how I can be a good mentor?
Nick’s Reply
It’s fashionable to be a mentor. You know: a wise old coot who can spout wisdom to naïve young upstarts. Mentoring is such a popular human resources concept that employees in lots of companies are required to take on protégés whether they like it or not.
Most mentoring programs I’ve seen, though born of good intentions, result in little more than awkward meetings, because you can’t really dictate how or whether two people will get along. (Don’t get me wrong: there are also some very successful programs out there, but they’re few and far between.) The problem, I believe, is that too many of these programs are institutionally controlled rather than freewheeling.
Mentoring isn’t a program you administer — it’s a generous, subversive habit you practice. Be available, honest, and quietly useful. Your job is to help someone see and trust their own potential, not to hand them a script.
I learned to mentor by being mentored well
My greatest mentor was Gene Webb, a professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business. Long after I graduated, Gene and I would get together for freewheeling lunches every month or two. There was never an agenda or schedule. We just talked.
Here’s what I learned about how to be a good mentor from how Gene mentored me.
Start simple
Give help only when it’s wanted. The only thing you need to be a mentor is someone who would like your help.
You don’t need a title, a schedule, or a committee. Offer advice, introductions, or a listening ear when someone asks.
Be a guide, not a guru
See potential. Don’t impose answers. A mentor is different from a friend because a mentor sees your potential and helps you develop it.
Let people learn at their own pace. Suggest resources, tell stories, introduce possibilities, then step back and let them choose.
Make your help practical
- Share work-arounds and insider knowledge. Teach how to navigate systems, not just how the system is supposed to work.
- Open doors, don’t push people through them. Make introductions. Let the mentee decide whether to follow up.
- Answer questions and help them ask better ones. Sometimes the best mentoring is showing how you think.
Keep it low-pressure
Make it enjoyable. Meet when you both want to in a social setting, and don’t always be the one to schedule. Talk about what’s good and fun in your life — let the serious issues come up naturally, if there are any.
Don’t keep score. Mentoring is generosity, not a transaction. Not all meetings will “pay off,” except in enjoyment! You can be someone’s mentor for a lifetime — or for a single, well-timed conversation. Both matter. (Because the cost of lunch didn’t make a material difference to either of us financially, Gene and I always flipped for the check. I learned a great lesson about probabilities from this: I paid for every meal for almost two years!)
Watch for pitfalls
- Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You’re a helper, not a savior.
- Beware your agenda. Focus on the mentee’s goals, not your image.
- Encourage critical thinking. If your advice asks someone to take a risk, make sure they evaluate it for themselves.
Multiply the effect
The most important thing I learned from Gene: When someone thanks you for helping them, ask them to pay it forward. Mentoring is contagious: teach others to help, and the world improves.
Bottom line
Be available, be generous, and resist the urge to control outcomes. Mentor like a conspirator for someone’s future — quietly, practically, and without fanfare. But don’t feel you always have to spring for lunch! Flip a coin!
A special case: Mentoring kids
Have you mentored or have you been mentored? What’s the most important thing about mentoring? Are there pitfalls? Who was, or is, your greatest mentor? What did they teach you? How did it affect your career or life? What’s your best advice about how to be a good mentor?
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Nick, great topic – being a Mentor. For me, it’s so easy, I am really good at resume reviews and interview practice … so, when I have a relative, friend, or employee, I just help. No questions or even thinking about it. I do this for a living also. My coaching for pay is similar to my “mentoring” for friends, relatives, and employees. I just want to help with getting promoted and career management, and I don’t want to see huge mistakes that can cause months or more than a year of attempts. Mentoring is a big word for helping people achieve goals in various ways – depending on your expertise.
Couldn’t agree more Nick, mentoring is not for everyone, like teaching or being a good officer.
It has to be “natural” in how it is done.
There are a many classes and programs as you said, there are ALLOT in the mechanic field that deal with everything from how to sell more to how to treat one another, but they are forced. I found that most people don’t have the willingness or the desire to talk with other employees, let alone some newbie who will probably take their job. I remember something from an old friend of the family who did a bit of gambling, everyone THINKS they have a system that beats everything else, don’t trust them.
Cant force success.
I read all your columns but normally don’t comment, but in this one I have a lot of experience.
Plenty of people who really could use some advice do not want to hear it, many will ask for that advice and then not follow it. Some will ask for an opinion and actively resent it, or if you were subtle enough to not trigger a knee-jerk reaction, they will instead ignore it. You can still mentor that kind of person, but you have to keep in mind the role you have in their life.
On the other hand of the ‘helpfulness’ spectrum we have the coach. A coach is supposed to keep you accountable and be more involved in whatever it is you want to improve, a mentor is that person they should feel comfortable to ask for guidance whenever a problem arises, it’s two different things. Both roles can be done at the same time, but certain personality types will resist or fail to make use of one or the other.
Now, here’s a list of things I have learned over the years when trying to help other people out in different contexts:
0.- other people decide who’s their mentor, not you
1.- experience is the best teacher, do not tell people what to do, tell them (if they ask) what are the likely outcomes of the actions they’re considering, and then…
2.- do NOT say “I told you so” when they fail. People are stubborn and many of them won’t listen, and often (and predictably) they’ll fail in a way you already foresaw. Resist your ego, do not admonish anyone for not listening the first (or the second, or the third…) time, just use that experience as an example of likely outcomes when they ask you again.
3.- do not admonish people for asking the same question many times, or for not getting it; give them different tools to help them figure it out. Also remember that any valuable skill is hard to learn (if it was easy it would be common, and it would not be valuable), so give them time.
From those first three points I think it’s already key to learn that being patient is key when teaching really in any context. Here’s more:
4.- if you are trying to explain a complex concept, do not use words alone, it’s better to do the thing itself while explaining it. For a next step, if they want to keep learning, offer to guide them while _they_ work on the complex thing. Repeat as needed. They’ll eventually get it. You’re trying to keep them in the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zone_of_proximal_development with your help, until they don’t need you anymore.
5.- for mentoring juniors in a work environment, make sure to look approachable, and to be visible. Best accomplished by giving helpful feedback* during group meetings. Juniors will naturally figure out who’s more likely to help them, and if they go to you, there you go, those are your mentees
I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of things here. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to be patient; slow learners need patient teachers the most. In your case mentoring may not represent direct involvement, and be a more detached activity, where you meet sporadically as Nick mentioned; even then remember to keep unhelpful comments (like “I told you so”) unsaid, unless you’re friends and that’s how you tease each other, you know the drill.
I’ve worked as a software engineer for roughly a decade now but I was a teacher before. I’ve helped friends retrain to work in this field and mentored/coached them, I’ve also mentored juniors at the workplace (they sought me :) ), and now I’m training my peers in my areas of expertise. I push for better knowledge sharing whatever context I work in. This was a quick compilation of things I always keep in mind when trying to be helpful to others.
Thanks for your column, Nick!
* constructive, friendly, open
@Pentalis: Excellent collection of tips that you’ve clearly learned in the trenches. The theme seems to be patience and forbearance! Thanks for sharing this.
Mentoring is a form of consulting. One rule applies for the consultant, or mentor: You can’t care more than the client does.
@Rob: Another way of saying, You can lead a horse to water… and I agree! Pentalis discusses this, too.
Ever think about the fact nobody tells us what happens, or to do next, when the horse refuses water?
@Rob It’s the kind of thing that we have to figure out on our own (or find a mentor that teaches us how to do it, heh).
That said, my tip for when the horse refuses water… is to just wait. Given enough time it will get really thirsty, then it will accept your water. But first it needs to experience the thirst. Experience is the best teacher.
Yes, but we all have a set capacity of time, to be used for whatever. Do we wait along side the horse (squandering capacity that could be applied to other horses)? Do we walk the horse back to the barn, using more capacity? Do we ask for a second opinion (of whom) regarding possible alternatives that can speed the desired result? Do we chastise the horse, until it gets tired of hearing us and bolters? Do we try everything (and in which order)? Do we check back in a week, and see if the horse is still standing.
To date, these questions go unanswered by any mentors, consultants, coaches encountered.
@Rob Good questions, all of them.
I’ll try to answer them according to my experience in the workplace (but some of it applies to life in general too), if it’s useful to at least one reader then it was worth it.
Do we wait alongside the stubborn person, or try more capacity to convince them?… let’s analyze by type of stubborn person:
(I’ll talk about “do we bring someone else to the fray?” later)
* Rank-wise, the other person could be someone of lower rank (trainee, junior, subordinate); someone of the same rank (a direct coworker, an employee from another area); or someone of a higher rank (a boss, a higher manager)
* Disposition-wise, they may be somewhat open to listen (“semi-open”), just closed to a specific approach; they may be closed unless specific proof is offered (“semi-closed”); or they may be closed to everything (“closed”)
I’m assuming in every one of the points below that we are certain that we are right and have some sort of proof of it. If we don’t, then maybe WE are being the stubborn horse, and we’d do better to open ourselves up, so others can convince us to follow them to the water instead.
* Closed disposition + any position -> Ignore, let them fail, circumvent them if needed to get your work done
* Semi-closed disposition + higher rank -> if you’d get a very high benefit from it, I think it’s worth finding out what would lower their guard (“get them to drink the water”), and then trying to do/show it. Otherwise, ignore, not worth the effort
* Semi-closed disposition + equal or lower rank -> ignore, not worth the effort
* Semi-open disposition + lower rank -> if they trust you already, ask them to trust you one more time; if you really know what they need, they’ll generally listen
* Semi-open disposition + same or higher rank -> is there a benefit to it? if yes, worth “waiting alongside the horse”, they’ll come around to it eventually, just gotta be patient
Ok, about bringing someone else into a conflict: generally if it’s not worth doing alone, it’s also not worth bringing someone else in to do the convincing, but if it is about circumventing someone stubborn or to settle a debate that needs numbers, then I definitely think it’s worth bringing someone else.
Something I often did when I had disagreements with my peers was to state whether my opinions on a matter were strong or not, and they would do the same. Whenever we disagreed, whoever had a “stronger” opinion on something would get to do it their way. There was a tacit understanding that we would respect this agreement in the future, so it worked for us. Of course then we’d have a disagreement where both of us have a strong opinion on something, what did we do then? I brought someone else we both trusted to chime in and give their own take, and we’d use that to solve the dispute. This has kept me out of pointless debates more times than I can count.
What about chastising? -> If this is about teaching (“leading a horse to water”) instead of enforcement or accountability, then never chastise. If you do…
* People with low self-esteem will feel worse and punish themselves further.
* Insecure people may lash out and not listen in the future.
* People who are certain of themselves will just think you’re an idiot and also not listen further.
I’ve never seen a situation where I want someone to understand something where chastising made things better than not chastising. Sometimes I’ve been really angry but I’ve held most of it in, because it really doesn’t improve the other person’s disposition to listen.
And finally…
Do we check back in a week?
OF COURSE! Always check back in a week. Let people really bask in the result of their own mistakes. They will be much more willing to listen after life has broken their ego/stubbornness/mistaken_ideas. Nearly everyone comes around to accept the brutal lessons of reality, and after that experience, they open up. Following the horse analogy… once it’s dying of thirst it will NOT refuse your water, it will in fact, come begging for it.
Always check back in a week.
Last tip: sometimes if people are semi-open to something, I will tell them “let’s try doing what you want to do”, without being judgmental or anything, “let’s see how it goes”. Then if it goes wrong, I don’t say “I told you so”, I say “can we try this other way? I think that addresses this specific problem we just faced”, they’ll often agree. Of course the whole ordeal takes weeks, but it’s better than dead-end arguments,
I hope that was worth the read, cheers!
One of the greatest advantageous is when someone senior in the organization take s a personal interest in our success.
I loved your newsletter on Mentoring. Your advice is “right on”. I looked at this topic from a broader perspective since I believe these techniques are applicable in other situations besides work environments. ( I am a retired HR Professional.) I am a believer in personal connections and meeting people “where they are at” not just where you want to be. Helping people to “bloom” at their own pace while showing that you value and care about them builds trust and confidence. Sometimes people only want you to be available just to listen without judgement or advice and to acknowledge them and what they have to say.
In my opinion, many training programs of various types are not personalized and are like “cattle calls”. People get lost in the crowd, it may not meet their needs or learning style or may go too fast or slow for them. One size does not fit all. After the trainings, many people don’t retain or use the information unless they get a chance to use or apply the skills regularly.
For those of us that belong to community organizations and engage in volunteer activities, these mentoring skills can be applied in keeping people engaged, so they do not burn out or quit. Many organizations have attrition issues and cannot gain new recruits because if you are a warm body, they put you to work and if you do a good job, you are assigned to expanded responsibilities, committees, or find themselves being officers. They feel used, not developed, or fulfilled. Unfortunately, many people consider mentoring as something to only be used in work, school, or career development situations. It is too bad that more people do not recognize or apply mentoring in their communities and organizations or in promoting the development of skills through hobbies.
Encouraging people to develop their potential in diverse ways and to continue grow is ageless. For example, I was blown away when I saw a running event that had a division for people over 90. There were some successful participants over 100 who completed the race. The lady that won was 100+.
Had a handful of mentors over my career in different areas of expertise. I didn’t see them as mentors at the time, they were just engaging relationships. I know now, that I was shaped by them with no formal attempt to create a mentor/mentee program.
Similarly, I have mentored many who at the time, probably felt the same way. We were just doing what came naturally. I would occasionally state that I know how all these movies end, you don’t have to live the pain. The ones who were interested listened and took action. I wasn’t forcing advice, just sharing.
Both my acknowledgement of having been mentored and providing mentoring advice to others, was revealed thru the passage of time. A very successful CEO shared with me that “I was the most influential person in her life”. I wasn’t trying to be anything other than helpful. People who can share and in turn, recognize good advice, already have the DNA in them to inspire and learn.
A textbook program…perhaps. But my connections came naturally, without a stated goal or purpose.
@Pentalis
Interesting read. I like the use of a formulaic expression to categorize the different situations.
Overall, what you wrote is worth the read. Have you considered fleshing it out a bit more, then publishing it?
About bringing someone else to the situation: I was thinking more along the lines of “second opinion”, use of a tactic that I wouldn’t naturally, or quickly, come up with; someone who might more facilely connect with the client.
Nick,
Great advice, as always. I started mentoring around the time I had enough experience to be valuable (about 20 years into my career) and have been at it ever since. Lately it has been mostly students from my alma mater who are concerned about what comes after graduation. Or recent grads who are starting their own companies.
As most readers have noted, patience is paramount. I provide resources and information, starting by directing them to Ask the Headhunter and telling them to subscribe to the newsletter. After that, it’s just a matter of informing about the way things really work in industry. Like raising children, you have to let mentees forge their own way, steering them away from the worst potential disasters. Sometimes just being there to answer questions and parse potential outcomes of their intended actions is enough.
Great suggestions from everyone above.
I really like the word “subversive” here. I never thought about it this way before, but it’s how I feel about my job as well. Would you mind expanding a little on this thought?