Question
This week I’m going to answer my own question. Why would anyone waste a valuable personal referral?
– Nick
Nick’s Reply
It happened again today: another friend in need rejected a good chance at about half a million dollars.
A personal referral
One of my neighbors, a corporate guy out of a job over a year, has been day trading and playing the stock market. After learning it’s a harder job than any he’s ever had, he sheepishly asked my help getting a job again. Let’s call him Mark.
Mark’s skills and corporate experience are a very good match for any of a number of major companies in our area. All he’s lacking is a good personal referral to the right executive.
Mark is successful, smart, self-motivated and a good communicator. I had no qualms about enthusiastically and personally recommending him to another neighbor who’s about one breath away from the CEO’s job in his company. Let’s call him John. Based on my assurances, the very busy John told me to have Mark call him on his private line. I knew if the call went well, even if John couldn’t hire Mark, he would introduce Mark to other managers both in and outside John’s company. John’s professional network was big and soundly based on trust.
So Mark asked for help and John opened the door to help him on my request. This is what often gets lost when I (or anyone) make a meaningful personal introduction for you: Don’t just be impressed that I have excellent business contacts. Carefully consider that to help you, I will stick my neck out and put myself on the line. All you have to do is follow up!
All Mark had to do was follow up.
A wasted personal referral
I offered Mark the chance to add probably $500,000 of additional income to his life when I set up the call with John. Turns out I over-estimated Mark, probably because I slipped into the complacent belief that because he’s a good neighbor and a good executive, he also understands the value of a strong personal recommendation. But that was my mistake.
John was waiting for Mark’s call. That’s what the transaction was about: John’s highly valuable agreement to take a call he’d never otherwise take. I cannot emphasize this enough: A phone call with John could not be bought; it could only be offered. Job seekers learn from career coaches, HR managers and professional resume writers that the purpose of a resume, a job application, a cover letter, a job board, LinkedIn, an elevator pitch, and all that “networking” you do is to achieve one goal: to get a chance to talk to a powerful decision maker. That’s where a serious opportunity is born.
But the all-important first win is to get that call or meeting from a decision maker who is ready, willing, motivated and primed by a trusted personal contact to give you their undivided attention for maybe 15-30 minutes.
That’s the big win.
Well, long story short, Mark blew it and now I want nothing more to do with him. Mark cost me because he wasted my personal referral.
Mark didn’t make the call that I set up for him. He didn’t make the call the next day or that week. But John made a call — to me. “Hey, Nick, I never heard from that guy Mark. Is something wrong?”
Rejecting the lifeline
“I’ll call him soon, thanks, Nick,” Mark told me. Another week went by. I called Mark again. (I hate chasing people.)
“You know, Nick…” started Mark the next time we spoke when I called him. (I hate chasing people but I cut neighbors some slack.) He continued, sounding almost irritated that I was pressing him to accept help he’d asked me for. He gave me three reasons why he wasn’t calling John — reasons he seemed to think were obvious:
- “I don’t really need that introduction right now. I’m getting some resumes out. I’ll call your friend later if I need to.”
Perhaps Mark rejected the lifeline I offered because he was naive about personal recommendations. He chose to get more resumes out to employers that didn’t know him. His goal was to get interviews. And he was ignoring the chance to skip the resume step altogether. He did not see the difference between treading water and taking a lifeline.
Everyone needs good contacts all the time. After I did the work to help Mark, he should have dropped everything he was doing to call John, who was primed to help Mark or hire him. When you are looking for a lifeline, don’t reject it because you’re busy treading water. You will piss off the person that threw you the line. The line won’t be there later.
“I’d rather tread water.”
Mark badly misjudged what’s a lifeline and what’s likely to wear him out. He wanted to tread water.
- “I’m interviewing with a company right now and I want to see where it goes.”
So what? You can do both. Interviewing must not be a serial process. It must be parallel. Each new prospect takes so much time to cultivate that it’s a fool’s errand to wait for any one of them to play out. While Mark was waiting for one offer, John could have started him on another.
A great contact is hard to come by. John’s enthusiasm was going stale quickly. And my good will towards Mark required nurturing.
LinkedIn is lying to you: the shore is never as close as you think
Mark thought he was in control of the water.
- “I don’t want to offend John by not taking him up on any possible offer he might make — because I might take the job I’m working on now.”
Well, that’s just plain stupid, and not least because almost all job opportunities go south. It was no surprise that the “offer” Mark thought he had in the bag never materialized and he was left with no active alternatives. His lifeline was gone.
The right way for Mark to think about John was as a new contact, a new friend and a new channel to lots more good personal referrals. Mark blew it because he was pursuing one job when his focus should have been on an excellent new contact that could yield several good opportunities.
A personal referral is a real lifeline
Mark’s primary focus should have been on what is widely acknowledged to be the single best, most reliable path to a new job: the good personal referral. Time with John, an executive who trusts my judgment enough to take a call from anyone I recommend, was worth more than the next 10 “opportunities” generated by “sending out resumes.”
I find that most people talk a good line about “networking” but have no idea of its real power and value. That’s how Mark blew it. He didn’t see that a personal referral is a valuable lifeline. He spent the next year knocking around the job boards and paying for “LinkedIn Premium” and getting rejected by employers that had no evidence he was worth meeting.
When someone vouches for you and gets you a call or meeting with another well-connected manager, recognize that it’s not a job interview. It’s a new launching pad to potentially many new personal contacts, interviews and, yes, job offers that few people ever have the chance to profit from.
Mark’s last words to me were, “Thanks, Nick, I don’t want to offend you.”
I never took his calls again. General estimates are that the right new job can be worth $500,000 dollars or more in lifetime earnings.
When was the last time you were offered a personal referral to a well-connected manager? Did you take advantage of it? If you decided not to, why not? Have you ever felt burned by someone you tried to help with a personal referral?
: :
I’ve been on the receiving end of the great disappearing referral quite a few times.
Usually it’s when a personal friend of mine (a parent, grandparent, or uncle) of a young engineering student asks me about a possible internship or entry level job.
I give them my card and tell them to have the young person call me. It seldom happens.
So I would recommend that if you ever make a personal recommendation or contact for a young or inexperienced job seeker that you reiterate the value of the contact that you are sharing with them.
Many folks are just like Nick’s neighbor, and they waste your time and credibility without even realizing it.
What’s the bet the card never makes it to the young person?
Sounds like a case of natural selection playing its role in the job market.
I am from the first year of Generation X, and what we gen-x’ers realize is that we have to take care of ourselves. I learned as a young person the value of always being in the market for a new job – the hard way. When I lost my first job due to layoffs (huge contract loss), starting then I learned never to become complacent and to always be looking.
Here are some sources of personal contacts for a job:
1. A golfing buddy of someone I knew from church.
2. The spouse of someone I have worked with before at another company.
3. An old girlfriend (with my wife’s approval, of course).
4. A friend who works at a given company.
Bonus round – where I met my spouse:
1. I was the organist of her church, so I got married at work! (Introduced by a couple in my choir – married for 25 years.)
For that last one, and I dare say the most important referral ever, I was handed a business card. I started with an e-mail, and then we had a phone call. First date: 05/05/1999 – Engaged: 11/27/1999 – The Wedding: 09/30/2000 Two adult children. An amazing life.
Next time someone hands you a business card, it may be life changing.
Kevin
I’m another Kevin from the first responder to this list.
This just shows I do not understand networking. For me 1 w and 4 don’t even know what I do let alone if I’m any good at it
Call it what it is: A stupid waste of a golden reference.
“Well, long story short, Mark blew it and now I want nothing more to do with him. Mark cost me because he wasted my personal referral.”
Mark has many possible motivations. After a year he might have a lot of despair. He may not want to owe anyone for help.
I would no longer discuss work with him until he is earnest about wanting a job referral.
I’d agree. I’m not a medical expert, but Mark’s behavior seems to hint at signs of clinical depression. A door has been opened for him, but he won’t walk through it because of shame. “I can’t call John…he’ll know why I’m calling!” That’s precisely the kind of warped thinking that can be brought about by mental illness.
“If you find a fork in the road, take it. Keep doing so, and over time, you’ll end up with a nice silverware set.” – Anonymous
> When was the last time you were offered a personal referral to a well-connected manager? Did you take advantage of it?
More than once and I take advantage of it every time. In the last two events, I was given the cellphone number of a quite high up local government head. I called the same day—yes I had to psych myself up first—and was surprised that he was glad to chat for a while and talk about his work. As fate and timing would have it, he would before long grieve a loss, accelerating his impending retirement. He delegated my outreach efforts to his understudies, who proceeded to ignore my outreaches. Ah well.
In another recent example, my resume and cover letter to a small local business operating in an industrial space that interests me drew a direct response from the managing director, whose founder read my documents then asked him to take me to lunch. At a nice restaurant too. In another case of unfortunate timing, shortly after that positive, freewheeling lunch meeting, the current White House up-ended the rules of that industrial space, causing uncertainty among consumers, obviating the position to which I applied. We remain on good terms and I will keep him and his company on the front burner in my network.
> Have you ever felt burned by someone you tried to help with a personal referral?
Not me personally but I witnessed it up close and still can’t believe it. A man high up in a local medical software company arranged for his friend, another man I know, to come to the company, meet the important people and interview for a job. For reasons I still don’t know and still can’t believe, the invited man completely sloughed off the interview (can we just spell it sluffed off already). Didn’t go. Didn’t call. The inviting man was shocked and insulted, his credibility damaged. I don’t know what they said between them after that, as I wasn’t involved. But as with your former friend Mark, Nick, that episode marked the end of that friendship.
Sometimes the person you are referred to blows it. I was referred by an acquaintance to a person at a company. I have experience in project coordination that can be used in many settings. The person I referred to never asked me one question about my experience. I was ready to explain how I could help using my skills. He just said I do this and that and don’t have anything. That was fine if there was no job available but he should have, at least, spent a few minutes speaking with me since he agreed to take the call. The call lasted a couple of minutes. Or told the person who introduced me that he was not interested in talking with me.
“Mark” performed the description of what GEN X has been saying for tears FAFO.
I wish someone would reach out with a life line like this. Would be awesome.
I have had ONE like this in my 51 years, i refused it as it was not in my path of work. I look back at it and I should have taken it, i would have been better off.
I declined it though, not waffle like “MARK” has.
The old phrase about leading a horse to watter comes to mind here.
In you like of work Nick, sticking your neck out is kind of a given, but this far out…….Mark must have been a better friend than you are letting on.
This is proof of what I tell everyone, you NEVER really know another person, ever.
Cut Mark loose he is bad for business.
When he comes asking in a couple of months, remind him that you made the offer and even set up the meet. HE shot it down and now HE and HE alone needs to find the contact.
Been in your shoes, this is why i only have 5 friends.
I am thinking it might be better to not call the person you are referring the friend to with a head’s up. Seems like that makes it more about us making the referral.
And then if the friend we are referring out never calls or makes a connection, it doesn’t matter at all to us.
Maybe a bit codependent to call the referral and say X is going to contact you? Then it is about you and your connections which often doesn’t work out well.
Sometimes we have to totally detach from that which we have no control over.
Mark did what he wanted, maybe his ego too big to admit he needed your referral and so only stick your neck out to the extent you can control. Maybe his pride needed to do it all himself. But now our ego is involved because we make the outreach call to our referral person. My advice is stay out of the outcome of what another person does or doesn’t do.
@Kathy: Point well taken about avoiding taking a risk with the person you’re referring the friend to. That’s up to you.
But I see this differently. For a personal referral to be truly potent, I think you have to do that. In fact, I make a strong referral by saying to the person, “I’d hire Mark myself if I could. He’s a real catch for any good employer.” Of course, if your referral is intended to generate a further chain of contacts for Mark you would not suggest hiring him but helping him through the person’s network.
I blame myself for the position I put myself in. I actually knew better but set caution aside. Mark was an “I know it all” and “I do everything my own way” kinda guy. That’s how he maneuvered himself into the risky day trading – he “knew how to do it better than others.” A good reminder to ask your gut for advice before you stick your neck out! Lesson learned!
Thanks for your perspective!
This weeks article is a tough read. I recall this happening a couple of times with younger folks and I reached out and pushed them to make the call. I do give under 30s a lot more slack – lets face it, this stuff is not easy to sort out the gems from all the noise in the internet/webs/social media.
..unless of course, you subscribe to ATH. I tell the kids to read it on Friday so you get this weeks content, and the discussion in one swoop.
@VP: Good idea about Fridays! I introduce people to ATH by pointing out the Comments are usually more helpful than my columns — and I’m proud of that!
I rarely give referrals. I only do so when I am extremely confident it will not reflect poorly on me (as has happened a few times).
I also treasure my contacts and referrals. They are my most valuable asset.
Occasionally I have filled out job applications that requested referrals. I take a pass. I discuss my referrals when I am considering an offer.
When asked about this one time, I explained that if the referral takes 15 minutes, and I apply for 10 jobs, I have used 2.5 hours of someone doing me a service…for a job I might not even want. That is disrespectful.
I think that some people remember the saying, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” and think it’s cheating to use a personal referral. Like when Vito Corleone was fired from the grocer to make room for Don Fanucci’s protege, or a local politician’s ne’er-do-well cousin gets hired by the highway department.
I do feel sorry for Mark, but agree that it would be impossible ever to give him another referral. Your first reminder should have gotten him off his duff pronto. If he ever realizes that he messed up and apologizes, I hope you can still be friendly.
Since this Mark is a neighbor, consider toilet-papering his house this Halloween. :-)
Seriously, I have referred people to jobs they were a shoe-in for, all they had to do was call, but they didn’t do it.
But there were at least a few people I do recall who did follow my recommendation, they got hired and were grateful.
I focus on those situations. Some people are hell bent on sabotage.
Unbelievable! Mark is the one who reached out for help initially. After his years in the biz, he didn’t even understand the basics.
Love your diverse columns and as a social worker, I’ve been sharing them for many moons with folks I am assisting who are struggling with their job search for a myriad of reasons. So many consistent nuggets of wisdom and evolution as the typical way folks “think” they are supposed to look for work continues the downward spiral.
I have personally experienced the inesteemable value of personal referrals. I think that every. single. worthwhile job that I’ve landed was exclusively via personal referrals. Incredible that “Mark” didn’t know this!