Question

I practice what you preach, that the best jobs come from a strong personal referral. When I can, I introduce job seekers to my manager friends in various companies. But recently this backfired on me and resulted in embarrassment. No biggie, but it gave me pause. All the job seeker had to do was call the manager I was introducing them to, who was expecting the call. A meeting was guaranteed. Later, the manager expressed surprise to me that the call never came.

I don’t know whether youth or naivete is the problem, but I’ll think twice before I risk my credibility, and I’ll never stick my neck out for this person again. This just lessened the chances that the manager will trust another referral from me. Do people really not grasp the value of a strong personal referral, and how poorly it reflects on me when they drop the ball?

Nick’s Reply

personal referralOh, the stories I could tell you. But first let me give you my advice. Don’t stop making personal introductions between job seekers and employers that respect you. This is the coin of the realm. Trusted recommendations make the world go ‘round. It’s still the best way to hire and get hired. It’s also a great way to make new friends!

The challenge is to make sure both parties you’re trying to introduce grasp the value of your introduction. So explain it to them clearly.

How to Say It

“I make introductions only when I believe value will come out of them. So this is a rare thing, because I’m sticking my neck out for you [whether it’s the job seeker or the hiring manager]. I’m glad to do it! If you accept my introduction, to further grease the skids I will let the other person know you will call. So your call will be expected. But if you fail to make contact within a couple of days, I’ll look bad — and I’ll never make another introduction for you again. I will happily try to get the two of you together if you will promise to make contact promptly. I will even walk you through how to handle the call.”

This might seem to be an overbearing stipulation. It’s not. Anyone that doesn’t understand its importance doesn’t understand how the world works.

A strong personal referral is the single most valuable advantage when seeking a job or to make a hire — and a great way to develop powerful contacts for the future.

Few understand the personal referral

People who don’t get this are indeed naïve and/or unwilling to stick their own necks out — because every time we reach out to someone we don’t know, we’re taking a social risk. When we get a rare personal referral, it changes everything. It’s always worth following through! I’ll get pilloried for saying this, but it’s a problem I see more with young people, mainly because they’re so conditioned to automated, impersonal job hunting via job boards. It really doesn’t require putting any social skin in the game. I believe that’s largely why it takes so long for them to land a good job. They just won’t act on the personal referral.

I’ll share a few examples from my own experience. These were all courtesy referrals, not attempts to “place” people. Unfortunately, the intended beneficiaries burned their bridges to me.

But there’s no job opening!

I set up a phone call for a young operations worker I know, so he could connect with a top executive at a big company. I explained to the job seeker that no jobs were currently open, but the V.P. welcomed a meeting because I recommended it, just to talk shop and get to know one another. It was an excellent way for the young man to get into the V.P.’s professional network. “All you have to do is make the call,” I told him. ”The V.P. is expecting it and will invite you to lunch.”

What’s not to like?

The young man never made the call. When I asked why, here was the explanation: “Well, it just didn’t seem wise since there’s no job opening.” But he knew that. The purpose was to expand his network, which was a far more valuable benefit than just landing a job. He really didn’t get it. That V.P. represented lots of valuable introductions in the young man’s future. I never offered him career help again.

I think I’ll wait!

A talented young neighbor just one year out of college was having difficulty getting work in marketing. I recommended her to the CEO of a company who was a good friend of mine. They spoke on the phone and she was scheduled for a job interview. She never showed up and didn’t bother to cancel. The CEO was irritated, and so was I.

I finally reached her. “Oh, I didn’t go because I got another interview and wanted to wait to see what would happen with that first.” She didn’t give a thought to the investment I had made in her. I’d have been a valuable source of introductions throughout her career. I never made another introduction and stopped returning her calls because I could never trust her to respect employers that trust me.

I don’t need a job anymore!

A young software engineer I met was impressed when I told him I knew the founder of a wildly successful start-up software company the engineer admired. I reached out to the entrepreneur and offered to make an introduction. He quickly accepted my glowing recommendation and told me to have the engineer call him.

In the meantime, the engineer accepted a job offer elsewhere and never made the call “because now I have a job.” The start-up founder sold his company a couple of years later for over $2 billion. What the young engineer never grasped is that a personal referral is always worth accepting because it’s not just about a job — it’s an investment in your circle of friends. I invested in him and I risked the trust of my friend the founder.

Cultivate personal referrals

People often fail to appreciate how valuable personal referrals are. Why? Because they’re insecure? Because making that phone call seems awkward? Because they just don’t believe it will pan out?

I think the problem is this: The desperate job hunter wants an interview and a job. It’s a finite transaction. They don’t see the lifetime of steps that are required to become the well-connected insider who actually gets the job. The steps are all the relationships we must form to get from one person to the next during a satisfying career. It’s all about trusted recommendations that lead us to new relationships, and about cultivating them throughout life — not just when we need a job.

Never be so distracted or too busy to take a meeting offered by someone that wants to help you and that has put their name on the line to personally recommend you. It could cost you one very valuable relationship. As far as helping them with their careers, those three job seekers I described are dead to me.

Have you ever stuck your neck out to make a valuable personal referral? Was it worth it? Do you follow up in a timely way on personal referrals yourself? What’s the best way to use a personal referral?

: :

29 Comments
  1. It goes the other way as well. I have known hiring managers with an urgent need to fill a position and knew of an ideal (in one case beyond ideal) candidate who was low-key looking for a new opportunity. It was the pre-official availability mention. I talked up the position opening to my friend/candidate and made the introduction. Talked to the hiring manager who agreed on the qualifications and knew my friend by reputation.

    My friend responded to the introduction. The hiring manager did not. My friend has another offer two weeks later. I talked to the hiring manager who was “surprised” that my friend had an offer already. He shouldn’t have been surprised. The hiring manager’s reason for not responding to the messagr? He was too busy because of understaffing. Priorities. It is about priorities. Six months later, the position is still unfilled and the hiring manager is still complaining about workload.

    • @Just Me: You’re absolutely right about managers dropping the ball, and the example you shared is a good one because “under-staffing” is very often the excuse for why a manager doesn’t have time to recruit and hire!

      My advice to managers is, if you’re not spending 20% of your time (one day a week) actively recruiting (even when you’re not hiring), you’re not doing a manager’s job. There’s no such thing as “just in time hiring.” It must be an ongoing part of management because good staff are a manager’s #1 asset.

      • @NNick: 20%??? I am impressed if a manager spends 30 minutes a week (and they will probably get hammered for doing that).

        Just meeting one person for coffee each week to talk shop.

        That it 50 people in their rolodex by the end of the year.

  2. Thanks, Nick, for this post. I had a close relative make an introduction and recommendation for another close friend and the close friend didn’t follow through with it snd it damaged my relative’s reputation for making referrals, so it is so important for everyone to understand the stakes made by the referral person. I like what you wrote that the person getting the referral needs to know. Too many clueless and self absorbed people who don’t take referrals seriously.

    • @E Hay: I really think people drop the ball when a precious referral is made because a quick mental calculation tells them responding to job posts is preferable to actually talking to someone.

      Why do they succumb to this fallacy? I think it’s because they don’t know “how to say it.” They just lack the communication and inter-personal skills. It’s why I pepper my columns with How to Say It tips.

      That’s why I included this link in the column:
      https://www.asktheheadhunter.com/16118/personal-referrals-to-hiring-managers

      • Well, my example is from the pre-internet era and I believe this person who didn’t follow-up on the referral had a careless attitude toward pursuing this well-paying job because they felt they could find other options that were less demanding. I agree that today many people would rather stay behind a computer screen than go out and talk to people.

  3. Nick, I think you hit the introduction nail right on its golden head. People now – and not just “young” ones – have been desensitized to interpersonal interactions because of technology and don’t have the skills, much less the understanding of the importance.

  4. Actually, it sounds like the person doing these referrals did not know the person referred at all, but they still made the recommendations! Why? A big look at me personality.

  5. Someone I knew at a large company said they needed a FT person to fill a position and I said I was interested. She referred me so I applied and the hiring manager set an interview. The phone interview went well and we were supposed to have a F2F interview. I provided my availability but never heard from the manager or someone from HR. I learned they decided not to fill the position to save money, although they were understaffed according to my friend who referred me. I told my friend no one ever reached out to let me know what was going on. I would’ve understood if they decided to not fill the position but to leave someone hanging and wondering left a bad impression. The referral investment works both ways.

    • @Anna: That’s because many, many employers are just stupid. They don’t realize that the most important people in their lives are their (1) employees, (2) customers, (3) investors, and (4) the professional community they recruit from. Imagine if a sales rep at that company ghosted a customer or prospective customer like that and the VP Sales found out! Who flips out when HR or some manager disses a job candidate?

      Ignoring people a company is recruiting is a fool’s behavior. Word quickly gets around and job seekers will learn to avoid the company,

      • My auto mechanic has a two ended wrench in his office. It has the caption, “CAN’T FIX STUPID.” SO TRUE.

    • @Anna: I have discussed the prevalence of ghosting with people who recruit. And executives in charge of people who recruit.

      Every. Single. Time. The response begins with “What you have to understand…”

      The short version is they do not see it as a problem.

      What really burns me up about this is tools to send an automated “Although your skills are impressive…” email are ancient technology. The unwillingness to use even basic tools to avoid this is inexcusable.

      • @Gregory: My favorite HR/manager excuse for ghosting applicants: “You don’t understand! We get MILLIONS of applications! We can’t POSSIBLY respond personally to all of them!”

        Long forgotten: It’s the HR/manager that SOLICITED all those millions of applications because rather than actually recruit good candidates, they posted a cattle-call on LinkedIn or some other job board inviting anybody with an ENTER key on their keyboard to spin the roulette wheel. They BEG for too many wrong applicants.

        Employers own this problem — and it costs them good hires every day. The joke is, HR is too deep in bed with LinkedIn et al. to even realize it.

        • If the hiring authority had the knowledge to understand what qualifications were needed, he would write the appropriate job description and ensure that compensation was appropriate.

        • And of course most modern ats have an automatic email everyone else failure email when you select your next round candidates

  6. oh yeah. If you engage as a connector it will ultimately happen that one of the parties will go into the wind with nary a regard for the other …or you.

    I confess that I learned the importance of follow through, by being the guilty party. Back in the day I was an expat facing the big unknown of my unit being shut down. A friend in my network wanting to help, set me up with the CEO of a company back home/the states. Yeah I was up to my ass in turmoil business-wise and personally & fully intended to reach out. Time flies when you’re having fun & only about 2 days went by and I got a call from my friend who rightfully tore me a new one. Why hadn’t I called the guy!!!!??? Best I could do was whine about my chaotic life which he didn’t buy. Then I jumped on it, had the call, did get an interview, but it didn’t fly.

    I learned my lesson, which I apply when I make referrals or connect people. And I do. But carefully & clear about the rules of engagement. I respectfully ask the parties to follow up. I tell them I don’t want to hear these words..”say what happened that that guy/gal you connected me to?”

    Yes I still get burned once in awhile.

    I believe an element of good networking is to respect the space/privacy of the people in it. If you give me a cc of your resume I don’t sling it around willy nilly. If I know someone who I feel should see it, I’ll brief you & ask for your OK 1st.

    If you’re a good contact for a person e.g a hiring manager, I’ll vet you before I approach them. I mean I’ll interview you. And likely test your follow up. I want to know you well enough to move forward. If you are the hiring manager then I want their commitment. Ideally cc me on intro responses.

    And I feel once the path to connecting is in place I expect them to follow through. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you found a job, are busy, are etc etc etc. If you have ANY reservations then don’t mislead me & agree to the connection. Don’t engage, don’t BS me, don’t patronize me. Tell me if it doesn’t ring your chimes. That’s useful information. My feelings won’t be hurt.

    But My credibility is now attached to you. So no problem if you aren’t interested. There is a problem if they don’t follow through.

    And once I start to help out, I’ll be a few steps ahead of you, thinking of others who can help. If you blow off the connection, or simply go into the wind my bus stops & we’re done.

    Yet as I said, I still get burned. But mostly not, which is why I continue to connect people.

    I think part of the issue with job hunters is that they don’t grasp they really are doing or should be doing is 2 things in parallel, hunting for a job or company of course, but network building as well. They focus on the job hunting side like a laser beam with no thought on network building and network wins.

  7. The same with references. They are my most valuable asset. I do not give them up until the “Job offer, pending a background check.” phase of the process.

    The references I give are damn good people. And busy. Not only are these people willing to give their time (some companies actually interview references), we discuss the company and the role beforehand.

    The first thing that will make me opt out of the process is relocation required.
    The second thing is a demand for references at the beginning of the process.

  8. I try to mitigate against this by asking the job seeker to provide a couple sentences about themselves–their background and what kind of role they’re seeking–that I’ll use to introduce them to the contact. I figure if the job seeker is actually interested, they’ll do that before I make the introduction.

  9. Oftentimes HR decides what the hiring manager needs. Hiring manager says that skills x, y, and z are needed? HR says that is too specific. In fairness, HR is often correct to ask the question because hiring managers can sometimes over specify. But if the manager can describe the need, then HR should not overrule.

    • This is very true. At a job I had two jobs ago, we had a vacancy in the department. The department heads got together with the dean to write the job description, and HR added requirements and eliminated a major (as in without it you not only wouldn’t be considered for the job but you won’t get an interview) requirement without running it by the dean! When the job was posted online and she saw it, she hit the roof, then went over to talk to them. She insisted, and got her way re that job description.

      But when she retired and there were two new deans, they both let HR run roughshod over them and their job descriptions, but complained to everyone that HR sent over too many people to interview who weren’t qualified. I wondered why they didn’t do what the old dean did–challenge HR, but neither of the newer deans wanted to bother. They’d rather complain than act. At that point, I didn’t feel sorry for them because by not curbing HR, they had only themselves to blame for getting unqualified applicants.

      • Unfortunately for my organization, HR has the final say on job descriptions and qualifications. They also demand that we ask every candidate the same questions and the questions must be pre-approved.

        Even more unfortunately, this is the case for everything in the organization. The people developing the products can say they need x, well purchasing will purchaseby because it is a better deal. There were some epic fails. PM provides the required funding profile for a development effort and Finance will disagree and provide their own schedule resulting in delays.

        So, for my organization, it is just a symptom of a larger problem. Too big to fail is a thing.

  10. Ah, job descriptions. Off topic, but most job descriptions sound the same and rarely provide insight about the role and why it exists.

    Some examples: Must be a self starter–translation, we won’t train you so figure it out on your own. Wears many hats–you will be doing the job of 2 people but won’t be compensated for it. Able to multitask–there is no such thing as multitasking. You can do one thing at a time, not 5. This usually means the boss has no focus and is constantly changing priorities and nothing meaningful gets done.

    Nick–would you be willing to write a column on job descriptions? I think that would be a good topic of discussion. No one knows how to write a decent job description. I know someone who said she did not do half of what was in her job description. I don’t know who is writing these descriptions, but most of them are bad.

    • @Anna: Thanks for the translations!

      Now, how’s this?
      https://www.asktheheadhunter.com/13707/does-job-match-job-description

    • There was research done about 2% of the population can multitask on two tasks without losing anything on either task. The percentage goes down as you add more tasks. There are super multitaskers who can do half a dozen things at once. Something different about their brain make up. If only 2% of the global population can do a skill you’d except it to be highly renumerated.

  11. Nick, those are great questions to ask a hiring manager. I plan to use them when I interview in the future.

    If managers can’t answer those questions, should that be a warning flag that the manager doesn’t understand what they are hiring for? Or, that the manager isn’t prepared for the interview?

    I’ve asked and others I know have asked what are the 3 top tasks or improvements you want the new hire to help with in the first 3 months on the job. Most managers are unable to answer that question, which made us wonder if they even know what they are hiring for.

    Thanks!

    • @Anna: I once coached a senior Big Pharma executive who was going in for his last interview for a top position. At the end of the interview, the VP interviewing him (who would be his boss) asked if the candidate had any final questions. He replied as I had coached him:

      “Yes. Can you please outline briefly what you would like me to accomplish in my first 3 months, 6 and 12?”

      The VP considered for a minute, then turned to the candidate and said, “Hmmm. I can’t think of anything specific right now.” The interview ended, they shook hands with a smile and the candidate left. Having heard nothing after a couple of weeks, the candidate contacted his friend at the company who had recommended him. “Oh, you don’t know? They decided not to fill the position.”

      The candidate called to fill me in, and to thank me. “I’m pretty sure my final question led to this. And I’m grateful not to have walked into a job with no clearly defined deliverables!”

  12. Nick, that is a good lesson learned the easy way instead of the hard way.

  13. There are only 3 ways to find a job: Networking, networking and more networking. As you get more senior in your career, there is likely to no job UNTIL you meet the networking contact/hiring authority. Then they create a job for you. Posted jobs are only viable when there are a lot of employees at that level.